“My Mother pushes all my buttons. But then, she installed them all.”
Every time we hear this saying we chuckle with that sense of truth, remembering when one of our parents said something that got us to react.
As adults we cringe when we react to a parental statement the same way we did when we were kids. There is some question or observation or direction that brings out every single defensive bone in our bodies. Those are buttons – or as we often call them – triggers. Things that bring out emotions you aren’t even aware you had. It’s a bit like the smell of certain foods cooking reminds you of a favorite grandmother (if you are lucky). Only with buttons, we are talking about the negative triggers.
It’s easier for us to see the way our parents installed certain buttons for us. They ask that familiar question or complain about that particular behavior and we immediately go back to the reactions we had as children, but this time as an adult. “I do know how to fold my family’s clothes, thank you very much.”
We have a harder time knowing when we are installing buttons in our own children. Who, us? Never. Uh, huh. Right.
Just ask yourself some questions to make sure you are not a button installer.
Do you criticize how your child or teen does something instead of praising them for doing it in the first place?
How often do you use the word but… “That was a good idea, but…”?
When your child or teen talks about wanting to try something, do you say “Give it a try” or do you say “Are you sure?”
Count how many times you praise your child in one day.
Then count how many times you criticize your child in one day. Compare the numbers.
Each of these behaviors is a small step in causing your child to react defensively to you and not have confidence in themselves. You move closer to installing a future button, step by step. We didn’t realize when our parents were installing buttons for us. We just reacted. Your parents probably weren’t aware themselves. Neither are you or your kids. Unless you make an effort to pay attention. Don’t fall into the same trap.
Here’s another exercise you might want to try – inside a teen’s brain!
