Some things should absolutely make us mad. Anger is an appropriate reaction for certain behaviors, comments or decisions our teen might make. That does not translate into yelling, however. Anger is communicated a number of different ways. The image of a parent yelling with a totally red face and blood vessels popping may be popular in the cartoons. That doesn’t mean it’s an effective way of communicating your anger to your teen.
The most important aspect of Mad Talk is that you are communicating your anger at behaviors. You can be very angry about something your teen did or said or decided. The trick with Mad Talk is to make sure that your anger never cancels out your love. Ouch. That is really tough.
Sometimes when we are so angry or disappointed with our teen’s behavior, you don’t feel very loving at that moment.
But your Mad Talk can’t give that away. So, you might use a little Soft Talk, Serious Talk and Mad Talk all rolled together. Here’s how it could go.
Your teen has just driven home and when they walk in the door, you realize that they have been drinking. You know better than having the conversation then, but the next morning you get your teen up early and tell them you want to speak to them downstairs. (OK, so maybe that’s a little bit of payback, but no one said you aren’t human).
My opinion about Mad Talk is that it isn’t about a conversation or asking your teen questions and waiting for an answer. When you have this kind of situation, you already know the answer and you are making a life-saving point. There are many excellent resources about what you should tell you teen about drinking and driving. I don’t want to discuss the what here, I want to talk about how.
1. You are angry. You know how dangerous their behavior is. There isn’t any smiling during this conversation.
2. You will talk with a lot of pauses while you collect your thoughts. This helps you and also lets your teen know exactly how angry you are – much more so than yelling.
3. I would also use Soft Talk. Talking in whispers (not totally, but you know what I mean) will communicate your reaction in a powerful way.
4. There is little you will want to hear from your teen. In fact, you may want to tell them that you will hear from them, but later, not now.
5. Always end with the “I am angry because I love you” – even if they roll their eyes.
6. Wait until later to decide the punishment. This is the kind of talk that needs thinking about. There are also times when your teen’s choices will cause you to use Mad Talk, even though the decision or issue doesn’t put your teen at risk of physical harm. If you learn that your teen has bullied another child, made fun of someone who is different or has a disability, these are also times for Mad Talk. Not only is the issue important, but your teen’s behavior is unacceptable to you.
What makes Mad Talk difficult is that legitimate anger about behavior is hard to control. Your anger may be fueled by all of the right beliefs, motivations and reasons. But unless you can control the anger to allow you to speak with control, your teen won’t hear you.
We are providing a chart with certain typical teen behaviors and a space for you to decide what “type of talk” you want to try in response. It may get you thinking as you read through the types and topics. Click here to download the chart.
