I suspect every parent has planned to have a “talk” with their teenager. You imagine how the two of you will sit down and have a long conversation about some very important topic. This usually comes up when either your teenager has done something really bad or you are afraid they might. Or the news has been full of some terrible warning that you know you must communicate to your teen so they won’t engage is whatever behavior is presently in vogue. In those wee hours of the morning when you can’t get back to sleep you plan for the “talk.” But there just doesn’t seem to be time, or your teen isn’t really interested in sitting down with you and having a “talk,” or you may sit together but you have no sense whatsoever that your teen has heard a word you said. So – the lesson here? Stop thinking of “talks” as moments in time. Think of them as ALL the time. Here are some examples.
Travel Talk
You are in the car and for a few minutes at least, you have only your teen in the car with you. They are either on their smart phone, or listening to music with their head phones, or whatever. You usually figure this is the time for you to sort out that to do list in your own head. Maybe change that up a little. Ask you teen to take the ear phones out. Tell them about your day, your thinking, your feelings – whatever. Ask them what’s up with them. Most importantly, listen for the cue that they might be willing to talk about something important. And then when that little tidbit comes out – get your words in there. So when you are riding along and your teen sees someone on the sidewalk that is dressed in a provocative way and they make a comment – there is your chance. Just a sentence or two – just a thought or two – and you have planted a perspective that will grow from a small seed to a plant to an opinion. And maybe at a later time, to a full blown conversation.
Meal Talk
I know there isn’t nearly as much cooking going on in our families today, but every once and awhile teens are either helping cooking or helping getting ready. And usually the TV is on. I promise that every teenager has an opinion about almost everything that is said on tv. Listen for yours. When they snort, or humph, or roll their eyes at a story – ask them what they think. Don’t make it like a big cross-examination, just a small question. And then listen. Your response will depend totally on what you hear. But keep it short, direct and simple. You have planted another opinion seed.
Sibling Talk
My brother and I fought all the time, about everything. I suspect your children/teens do the same. Instead of just going in and breaking it up, listen to the conversation. There are parts of the “fight” that will be just totally annoying and make you want to tell everyone to shut up. But if you take a minute to figure out what the fight is about, you may find that it has to do with something outside of their own individual, annoying habits. Kids fight about their opinions about other kids in school. They fight about what teachers say and adults talk about. If you take the time to listen to the content of the fight you may find an interesting “talking” opportunity.
The key to all of these moments is to not really look like your having a “talk.” Keep it simple, keep it easy and keep it short. You may find that your influence on your children and teenagers is significantly increased. You may not know it immediately, but pay attention and you may hear your own words coming out of your teen’s mouth later. Hopefully they are the words you wanted them to hear.
Good Talking.
