I made the decision to repeat this post here, as well as on the main Underdue Social Services Blog. It seems like that important a topic. but in addition to the content from the first post, I have included some resources at the end that parents can use to have these very important conversations with their teenagers.
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I have been arguing with myself about this post for the last two weeks. I had pretty much decided that my white, old lady social worker voice had no place in the discussion about what happened to Trayvon Martin in Sanford Florida. I would seem at best presumptuous and at worst exploitative if I spoke of this debate in a post. And then I read this article by KJ DELL’ANTONIA in the New York Times and I found myself rethinking my original position. This is a conversation we all need to have with each other, regardless of our race. But more importantly, it’s a conversation we must have with our children.
When I was growing up we lived in a rural section of western New York. There was no diversity in my high school or my neighborhood, although it’s hard to call my road a neighborhood considering the distance between houses. But I was a child of the 60’s with parents who cared about justice and equality, in principle even with no direct application in practice. So when I think back on the “talks” that my parents had with my brother and I about authority and police and respect, we got “the talk.” But it truly was a different version. The white version. The one that reminds you to respect authority and answer politely when speaking to adults or teachers or police officers. And we were told in no uncertain terms the consequences we would face if either of our parents ever heard of us responding in any other way.
But we were never told to be afraid for our lives.
My parents never had to instill in my brother the true sense of urgency that the choices he would make in regard to a confrontation with a police offer were a matter of life and death. They let him know he would get his butt kicked when he got home, but they never had to make sure he chose correctly so he would come home. Only if you can truly understand that basic and horrible difference can you get a tiny little sense of this talk in black and white.
So where does that leave us? Hopefully talking. There have been so many posts and programs and pundits talking about this subject. That’s the other reason I debated about this post. I am sure it will be hard to be heard above the din. But maybe if just one family, of any color, sits down at the dinner table and actually has a conversation about race, it will be worth it.
Talk to your teenagers about race in this country. Have “the talk” with your black teenage boys and make sure that your white teenage boys know what that talk is about. When you are teaching your teenagers about respect and authority and honor, teach them to stand their ground for what is right.
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So how exactly do we have those conversations? It seems a bit awkward to walk into your teenager’s room and say, “Well, I thought we might have a talk about race.” Or by asking “What do you think about race?” You might have better luck if you started with “What do you think about Trayvon Martin?” but you will only go so far with any of these approaches. So here are some tools you might find helpful and/or interesting.
There is something called The Race Awareness Project where they have developed two apps for the iPhone/iPad/iPod. Really. You can get them at iTunes. Because they are “games” they encourage the conversation in a way that speaks to teens. They are the Guess My Race app and the “Who Am I: Race Awareness Game.” Check it out.
You know that when you have “the talk” and it’s about sex, one of the most important elements is to use all the correct words for all the individual parts. And interesting parallel when you are talking about race. We think we know the correct words to use in a discussion of race, but do we really? Well, check out Racial Equity Tools glossary. It will remind you that the words are really important and using the correct ones provides one of the most important messages we can give our teenagers. The right word means respect.
I would also remind you of the many times I have suggested that you share your thoughts with your teen if you expect them to share theirs. You would be surprised what you might hear if you really talk about what you think.
Good luck and keep at it. Talking about race is a constant requirement of raising children – or living in this society at all.
